525,600 minutes

It’s funny how much life can change in a year. On this date last year I was arriving home from spending 5 months living and studying in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Not a day goes by that I don’t wake up wishing I was still there. And every single day I’m reminded of how much I changed during that experience. What I learned about myself, other people, life. So much I learned about life.

2009 has proved to be a very difficult one for me. For the first 5 months or so of the year I felt like I was suffering from severe reverse culture shock. Those months were so hard. Days were long, I skipped classes frequently in favor of staying in bed or just laying around at home. It was hard to face the world those days. In March I bought a plane ticket to Israel in part to keep a promise to a friend and in part to keep a promise to myself. When I took my first trip abroad to the Bahamas and then to Costa Rica in 2007 I made a promise to myself that I would do my best to travel internationally at least once a year from then out. So far, I’ve kept that promise to myself.

That trip to Israel was my saving grace this year. It served to remind me of how much goodness there is in life if you seek it out. It was such a personal experience that I never did write anything about my trip in a public forum, but I have journal entries that attest to the monumentality of the experience. After coming back to the States, however, those very same feelings that overwhelmed me at the beginning of this year started reemerging.

These last several months I have found myself swinging to emotional extremes. They say the best way to get over one love lost is to find another one. August presented just that. The months that followed were so challenging but there was someone in my life who could make everything feel okay for the time that we were together. A wonderful distraction. As things started unraveling at the beginning of November my life did as well. Or rather, the distraction was no longer there and I was left with no escape from a reality I didn’t want to face.

Tormenting feelings have intensified over the last couple of weeks. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, helplessness, broken heart, mourning. It finally occurred to me last night that the feeling of mourning is for myself. I feel like I left a very significant part of who I am behind in Argentina. A girl who was carefree and full of so much life. A girl who was fearless. That aspect of fearlessness is what I find myself searching for these days. Fearlessness and strength.

I have spent the last few days pondering over what kind of resolutions I want to make for the coming year but I have yet to write them all down yet. However, one thing is nonnegotiable: another travel experience is necessary. Initially, I was hell-bent on Cuba — then Colombia. While either of those may still happen later on next year, I kept recalling the singular thought I kept having as I was traveling around the cono del Sur in Uruguay, Argentina, and Chile: this is what I imagine my country to look like, but I’ve never seen most of it, so I don’t know. With that in mind, my best friend and I have wanted to go on a Great American Road Trip since high school graduation and that seems to be exactly the experience I want and need at this point in my life. My best friend, the radio, a couple of cameras in tow, and a paper map. The Jack Kerouac-style adventure that I believe is the best way to experience what America is all about. These coming months I will share the trip-planning process and, of course, the subsequent adventure of exploring our country and its diverse people, landscapes, and cultures.

With that, I move to ring in the new year reflecting on the many incredible adventures of the past and looking to the wild ride that lies ahead.

Other posts you might be interested in:

• March 17, 2009 -- Why to Join a CSA and Criteria to Look For
• January 21, 2009 -- No End in Sight